I haven't posted in a very long time. I don't have many friends on livejournal, and those I am friends with on here don't spend their time reading my entries. This isn't being written for the purpose of any one else's eyes. I'm just writing this to get it out in the open. For me to look at and sum up the way I feel without having it bogged down in my head.

I recently moved out about a month ago to start college. I go to Valencia and moved into Pegasus Landing across from UCF with my best friend Katie and a matched up roommate named Gabrielle. Everything has been very different, and I feel tired pretty much all the time. One thing that changed in my life significantly is the exact boy I've used this blog to write about is back in my life. He says it's for good...and I hope so.

When it first happened about 3 months ago, I felt like telling the story over and over to anyone who would listen. How it happened. How I felt. How he felt. It was one of the most perfect stories anyone could tell. I literally felt like my life was a fairy tale, and I was the rescued princess. Unfortunately, the past few days have been tough because I have so much trouble accepting the past & looking past it. We talked last night, and I demanded to know why he ignored me for so long, why it was so easy to demand to meet up resulting in hook-ups weekly, why he did it. I always thought it was that he missed me but didn't know any other way of being with me except that way.

But he told me last night it wasn't any of that - it was that he just was horny. I never went to him for that reason. If there was one way I could kiss and be with the love of my life for even minutes, I would have done it. And i did. I feel so hurt that so much truth has come out, and it's not what I expected it to be. He says he hates talking about it because he can't change the past and knows how much of an asshole he's been. And he's always around, he's proven he's faithful to me and I do trust him.

I just can't get past how much everything hurt, and I feel physically sick from thinking about it. He was honest with me, which is what I wanted. But the truth hurts, and I don't feel like he deserves any anger directed at him for this - I just can't help it. I feel like we are meant to be together, I always have. He's my Romeo. But sometimes I feel like too much damage has been done for there to ever be a complete turn around. I feel I'm too mature for him sometimes, or he's too smart for me. It may just be the age..or that we've spent so much time together, but everything just hasn't been as magical the second time around.

There's been no spinning, kissing me in the rain. There's been no winning me stuffed animals or taking me to look at the stars. It's just not what I expected. He didn't come running back to me with a bouquet of flowers, showing me how thankful he is that I gave him a second chance. It's not the same. But I love him and have grown so dependent on him that it's hard for me to even consider letting go.

I hate this.

ma·tu·ri·ty (mə-ty&oobreve;r'ĭ-tē, -t&oobreve;r'-, -ch&oobreve;r'-)
n.

1. The state or quality of being fully grown or developed.

Not you.


Just because you type a paragraph or two into your livejournal, because you have no one else to express your feelings to while sipping on your starbucks, listening to outdated "intellectual" music and smoking a bowl, does not mean you are mature. Text messaging three paragraphs worth of intended hurtful words towards someone, just because they won't buy you cigarettes is also not mature. Smoking cigarettes is not mature. How far will you go, until you turn into a speck of dust? Until you are in fact the epitome of nothingness? If you had ever cared deeply for me, you would have never said such callous things. You, are not that much fun of a person to hang out with, either. At least we can agree on that. Although, I am sure you think nothing is fun in this world, unless it involves ganja. And at age seventeen, it is sad when you can't have fun without drugs. I have not lost any friends. Ryan and I have bonded more lately, and I sincerely want to thank-you for that. Him and I have concluded I am in fact queen. Of the world? Nay. Of the universe? Absolutely. But I hope he, as well as everyone around me, can stand my complaining of the sky being blue. I need to get some help with that.

Elle, if you think you can make my life miserable, I would love to see it. You cannot count 5 people on your hand who take your word for a thing. Nor can you count your real friends, either. You do not have only child syndrome. That is a ridiculous excuse that I hope Ryan is even ashamed of diagnosing you with. You have overdramatic-fake-pothead syndrome. Hm. I don't know if Zoloft will fix that. Possibly try? The point of this entry is to share with you that I honestly have not even thought of you today or even yesterday. I do not care we aren't "friends" anymore. 

And I am certainly thankful I did not get permanent ink on my body representing our friendship.
Because our friendship has probably been as traumatic as the Holocaust.

I dreamt last night I had been at the beach for quite some time. Virtually all day. Just sitting in the sand in a white cotton dress. It was such a peaceful feeling, the wind blowing through my hair. I could taste the salt water on my tongue from the water, just from closing my eyes. It was a subtle taste. Everything felt so weightless. So weightless in such a wonderful way. Each breath I took was deep, and it didn't feel like such a hassle. And the sky was bright blue, with barely any clouds. And yet the sun wasn't shining brightly. It was not too chilly, but not too warm. Everything was perfect. So I sat there in silence, listening to the sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore. And suddenly, the silence was broken with the screaming of children. Two of them, a boy and girl, running around, playing tag. I then look around. I see sand castles. Little five year old footsteps in the sand. Sand toys. Shovels. I realize these children are mine, because we are there alone. And somehow I knew there names. I don't remember what they were, but I knew it at the time. I pick one at a time up and raise them in the air and spin as fast as I can. And I fall to the ground on the bare sand with one in my embrace and I just laugh and laugh and laugh until my sides hurt. And I swear I could feel it in my sleep. I hear someone yell my name. I turn around..and he's walking toward me. He has car keys in his hand and a towel. He said, "Here, can't believe I left this last one in the car." He puts the towel down and sits next to me. I look dumbfounded and confused. He asks if I'm alright and I say "Yes." One of the kids yells, "Mommy! Daddy! Look! I built a moat!", and points to the sand. Mommy...? Daddy...? I am subconciously thinking. All of a sudden the waves start crashing more. Louder. Louder. More intense. They become so loud I can't even hear what he is saying anymore. Just his mouth moving. The children are playing still. And he is laughing.  The sound of the waves become so intense I cannot bare it.

Then, I wake up.  Somewhat scary. But for some reason...I feel assured.
This is what I've been wondering all along.
Is this the future?
Is this an aspiration?
Is this how it may be?

My family of course. 

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be.
The seasons have changed and so have we.
There was little we could say, and even less we could do
To stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you.

We bury our love in the windsory grave
Along came the snow, that was all that remained.
But we stayed by it's side as the days turned to weeks
And the ice kept getting thinner with every word that we'd speak.

And when spring arrived
We were taken by surprise when the flows under our feet
Led into the sea
Nothing was left for you and me.

We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's more where we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.

-Death Cab

It's been quite long since I've even logged onto Livejournal. I'd prefer to create a new account. Because seriously, my user name is ridiculous. But we will see how long I can bare the lame-ness.  And FYI, this will probably be a long entry - brace yourself. Read if you're interested and leave your input if you'd like.

I have spent the summer so far traveling my little heart away, and I haven't even gotten through a month of it yet. Before I segway into my traveling, I'd like to explain something else that's essential to the rest of the story. I'm sure those of you who know me at all, even a tiny bit, you've heard all the ranting and raving about my ex-boyfriend, Jeremy. Well, at the end of this year, we started talking again..and he randomly came back to me. He told me he had all of these feelings for me still. He told me that he still loved me. I had spent months and months of pining effortlessly over this guy, and through it all he just pretended like nothing had ever happened. Like I had no right to even be upset over our break up.  

Like it was ridiculous and absurd for me to even mention it in a conversation. I had spent 9 months trying to understand why he would just leave me. To understand why he wouldn't put up a fight. I wanted to get in his head so bad - even for a few seconds to understand how you can have so much love for someone. Someone who was essentially one of your best friends. And to lose everything to them, and to just turn away after everything you've been through with that person...I just couldn't understand, no matter how hard I tried.  

        He came back to me, finally. Everyone had told me, "Molly, he's over you. It's no use. Just give up. It's dead and buried - leave it that way. You weren't meant to be." All of that had changed just with a few text messages. And I didn't even know what to say. I pretended to be over him... but he could see past that. Fast forward the next day, we met in a spot and talked things through.  We cuddled like old times. We kissed like old times. And I still had every smidgen of feeling for that boy.     

I could feel it in my finger tips, I was shaking and overwhelmed. I could feel my heart sinking in. Just like old times. I don't know how this feeling still resided - because I had recently convinced myself I was over him. We talked more, we talked for hours. I looked into his eyes and told him straight up, "Jeremy, I can't trust you. Do you know why? You turned away when I needed you most. And even when you had the opportunity to give me your hand...to reach out and even try to help me, you didn't. You fucked around with your friends instead." And then he looked at me with those eyes that I remember...it was similar to the look he had given me when we first saw each other after the talk with my parents..and how everything was going to be forced to end.            

I remember swallowing, like I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. I tried to pretend I was strong and that I didn't want to trust him. I said, "How do I know it won't be like last time?", and he said "Because that was last time. I've learned." Finally after a few talks, although he was negligent to, we became public with the fact that we were together again. That only lasted a week. I maturely approached my Mom with the situation, and she was surprisingly understanding about it. I told Jeremy the talk I had with my Mom, and he decided he was ready to talk to his Mom as well.                                                                                                                                                                                       

 He sat his Mom down, and had what I suspect was a brief talk, ending with his Mom basically telling him she didn't want us together. And that was that. Jeremy put up no fight. He turned on me again, and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore because his Mom wouldn't like it.  So for about a month we fought, I was angry for even considering taking him back. Then after that month, my friend Haley's ex boyfriend Vaun, was moving, and she wanted a way to see him. I offered to help them see each other. Jeremy wanted to help too.   

  So, Jeremy and I opted to meet up with Haley. Problem was, Haley had a dentist appointment she didn't know about, so Jeremy and I were just chilling as friends in my car waiting for her. For 3 hours. We'd call her and she wouldn't answer. Eventually throughout the time we were waiting, I couldn't hold my emotions back anymore - and I went for a kiss. And he didn't stop me. He didn't stop me at all.        

We kissed for probably 20 minutes. He did nothing to stop me, please keep in mind. The next day, after Haley never showed up, we hung out again. I went to kiss him goodbye, and he was fine with that. Then I went for another kiss - and he looked at me like I had asked him to sew my leg back together. He said, "I don't want to kiss too much." Later that night, I asked him about it. And his excuse was, "I like talking. Not just kissing. And I like looking into your eyes   Not something someone who wants to be just friends would say, right?             

 The next day was Tayler's graduation party. And Jeremy was going. He showed up at her pool party and we kinda were awkward. We pretended we weren't real close, just because we didn't want people talking. Then he went to leave. I went out front to kiss him bye, and again he lectured me on how he doesn't like kissing a lot. I couldn't help but wonder if there was another reason. Tayler had planned a huge graduation party for her and all of her close friends to go to Disney for 3 days, so all of us girls spent the night.  

 We woke up the next morning and headed on over to MGM. Haha, halfway through the day, Jeremy and I started talking through texts and long story short (although, it's a little too later for that) he told me he only likes me as a friend. I pretty much held inside how upset I was, because I didn't want to ruin Tayler's party. I shut my phone off, tried to forget about him. I fucking hated him at that point. So onward, I had an awesome time at Disney. The people who went were Tayler. her cousin Arielle (who was very nice), Emily, Eryn, and Bbo. We went to MGM, then Magic Kingdom, then Animal Kingdom. We were going to go to Epcot, but we ran out of time.                  

We had 2 hotel rooms and had so much fun every night we were there. I got back from Disney. The next weekend I went to Batavia, New York with my Mom and my Sister to go ghost hunting with Jason and Grant. It was fun, although the hotel we stayed at had a TMD convention going on at the same time as our ghost hunting convention. In addition, the hotel was pretty crappy in itself, and I had been pining over all of the shit with Jeremy but I think I hid it pretty well.  It was very random. Calvin, my other ex-boyfriend called me while we were at the hotel. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to fool around.               

 I thought this was complete bullshit and found it completely ridiculous that he'd come back to me when he has another girl he is interested in. I blew him off...but not for long.  He called me again when I was home, and I had been feeling so lonely, so I agreed to meet up with him. We fooled around in my car, nothing major, just a lot of kissing. But I felt like shit even when I was doing it. I didn't get the same feeling from him at all that I get from Jeremy. No feeling what so ever, in fact. One thing that irked me so much is that we were just cuddling talking, and I was laying my head on his lap.                 
                                                                                                                                                              
Calvin thought it would be hilarious to hold me down and give me hickies. At first it was funny, until I had realized he had given me 2 huge jumbo purple and blue hickies right on my neck. Haha...very funny, right? Not. Considering I had senior pictures the next day. I went to Elle's house, because I was spending the night, and we tried finding ways to cover it up. And it was basically impossible. Needless to say, after all of our attempts through the night to cover it up, first thing my sister catches when I come home are those huge hickies. Super duper. In trouble, yet again. I tried wearing the only turtle neck dress I had. My sister said she wasn't going to tell my Mom. But I'm pretty damn sure she told her. Whatever, and everyone wonders why I keep so much to myself.       

 Anyways, busted eventually and grounded for a week. Got my new car and my cell phone taken away. At least I wasn't grounded all summer like last year. If that had happened, I probably would've driven myself into a lake. No joke. And of course while I'm grounded and on my period, I got sick with a cold and pink eye at the same time. So I've looked like a shriveled up chihuahua the past week.  Also, through my passing time of being grounded, I told Calvin that I had realized he didn't care about me anymore. He told me he does..and that he still loves me and wants to be with me. WHAT THE HELL? I didn't believe that for a second. And then we talked more. And I kind of started to believe it. He told me he'd be faithful to me. He promised. And I went to bed happy and we kind of had gotten together again. I knew I only agreed because I was lonely. With in no time, I found out my friend Andreina had been hitting on him. (She didn't know we were together again. In fact, he lied and said he was single.) Needless to say, I dumped Calvin. Haven't talked to him since.


Thanks to prescription eyedrops, I'm better now. And ungrounded. Supposedly. Although my Mom finds it ridiculous I want to leave the house at all.  I almost went insane yesterday. Anyways, this brings me to today. I was so pleasantly woken up at 9 in the morning to go along with my parents to the passport place to get our passports renewed. Then at 2, we went to the ultrasound place to see my 2nd oldest sister, Erin's, 4D baby. He is adorable. My little nephew, Benjamin. Tomorrow, my Mom and my sister, her fiancee, and I venture off to Las Vegas. We are going to a 3 days Beatles convention at the Venetian hotel. We are also seeing Beatles 'Love' and The Blue Man Group. In addition, we will be making a trip to Madame Tussaud's, Sephora, and some Star Trek thing that always scares the living crap out of me.                                     
   I'm excited, although now that I am probably branded hickey girl, I hope there isn't a constant elephant in the room while we are in Vegas. I fucking hate when that happens. Everyone was a teenager once. Some people have more ups and downs than others did. Why can't people understand that?  Also, later this summer I will be going to our vacation home in Georgia, and the Bahamas. My parents are considering bringing my cousin, Becca, who is one of my best friends even though she lives in Boston. I miss her so much.                                    
I hope she can come with us. My best friend, Elle offered for me to come with her family, her boyfriend Aric, and her to Sarasota for a few days. After the hickey incident, I'm sure my parent's will LOVE for me to go. Not. Aside from the traveling aspect, I have had my eye on a couple of guys. I'm playing the field a little. I want to meet and greet and get to know as many people as possible. I have been messaging this kid - NO names will be distributed so don't even ask. He seems to have so much in common with me! But I am not jumping into anything right now. Let's see. What else?

 Considering I haven't hung out with any one in the past week, and I am going out of town tomorrow, I made one last attempt to hang out with my best friend. Sometimes it irritates me so much that she has a boyfriend and I don't. It's like...when I am lonely I want to be able to go to my best friend and I want her to be there for me...but she's too busy being there for him. I know sometimes she doesn't see it, but I really feel like the odd one out 99% of the time. It angers me so much when I call her to talk to her and she has to go and she says she'll call me back, but she doesn't. Or I'll try to make plans, and she says she'll call me, but she doesn't.

I feel like her boyfriend is so much more important to her than I will ever be. And I think that's quite fucked up. I have a feeling, if she had plans with me and her boyfriend came along and asked her to hang out, she'd break plans with me. But she never breaks plans with him. Ever. I don't know, I think she realizes I feel like this but I'm not going to just come out and let her know, because I really don't think it's going to fix anything at all.  Whatever, maybe it'll die down. Doubtful.

I feel like I have so many emotions constantly dreaming to burst out of me. I randomly get so angry. I'm so impatient. I'm bitter. I'm angry. I'm selfish. I'm rude. I'm irritable. I'm cranky. I'm heartbroken, still. Hopefully in time... it will change. But I've been saying that for a year now, haven't I?

Thanks to those who miraculously had the patience to read through all of this mumbo jumbo. I really don't understand why anyone would, but thank you.